This is the first installation of posting excerpts from several books I have written. We will be posting new excerpts on-going. I would love to say monthly, but who really knows. What I do know is that these are remarkable stories that you would really enjoy.
Please feel free to leave your comments below. I would love to hear them.
Chapter 1
She means nothing to me. Am I being clear enough? You can probably hear the emotion in my voice. I don’t care — I want her out of my soul, out of my bones, out of my thoughts. I am saying this as plainly as I am able to through the sad static misery of our time together. There was a time, a moment I’m saying it once there was a time when she meant everything to me. Do you realize what I mean by that? I would have laid down my life for her, took a round in the chest to protect her, whatever it took. God, life is so, but look, now, no, she is not exciting to me, doesn’t stir me anymore, a roadkill, really– not even that. I don’t, I mean, well what I am trying to say is I try not to think of her. She taught me so much that I never wanted to know. “Love, what’s that” she would screech more times than I want to remember? She is in the arms of others now, good luck to them, her him, whatever. How do I pry her love or hate from my soul and guts? Sometimes when I awake late at night I remember her, even though I don’t want to. My thoughts drift at those times when I am half asleep, unguarded. I am SUDDENLY AWAKE, MY FIRST THOUGHT IS HER, I LAY THERE AND THINK ABOUT A LOT OF THINGS, AND MOSTLY HOW WE WERE IN GOOD TIMES. You’ve been there. First one side then the other, knees pulled up, on my back with my hands behind my head, after a while my shoulders hurt and I roll on the other side, same thing: adjust the pillow, place my legs, arms, and hands, then that last thing to adjust, my mind.
In those nightmarish moments I feel her yelling, her heaviness. It seems so strange thinking of this now. There were those moments when I couldn’t even breathe when I thought of her. I felt short of breath, giddy to the exclusion of all other thought. Have you ever been so in love that the first thought in the morning was her, the last thoughts as you drifted off to sleep were of her lips, eyes, smile, breasts, and slender fragrant hips? A soul in torment hoping always for warmth and rarely finding solace that was me. “Cold as ice,” I remember the line from the song, you are as cold as ice and willing to sacrifice our love. Would you believe that I actually started to listen to the words in love songs? I remembered dates and days, moments out of any time, I never did that before in my whole life, why now? I stopped being as she ran her hands over me and next? Do you know the other song that reminded me of the way it ended? “I don’t know where we went wrong but the feeling’s gone and I just can’t get it back.” And then my two cents: I don’t want her back.
You can see here I am thinking of her again when I tell myself I won’t. I still dream about her at night. Drunk with love and willing me to not see her lack of love for me that about sums it up. I know it has been said a thousand times, but love is blind. She was for me——————God get out! Look I just want to forget, I’m trying to forget. I don’t even know why I am telling this to you. What’s the saying? “Love is so short and forgetting so long.”
It’s a whole hell of a lot easier said than done for me, however. How can you forget what you said was part of your blood and bones and even your bone marrow? I did love her you should know that by now if you know nothing else, I did. Did you ever notice that every little ditty on the radio, the television, the movies, books and on and on infinitum, its all about love and baby, baby, baby I love you. When you are in the spring of your love you somehow buy into that crap. With her I believed it, believed it until that last day on the calligraphed beach.
The entire book will be available as a “print-on-demand” book soon.