TOTO THE SINGING TOILET: IN JAPAN THE TOILETS ARE MARVELS OF WONDER AND WORKS OF ART. AS I APPROACH THE TOILET WITH SOME TREPIDATION, THERE ARE ELECTRIC WIRES HANGING FROM THE THING, THE SEAT OPENS UP AND THE WHOLE THING STARTS TO HUM. AS I STAND THERE IN WONDERMENT THE COMMODE STARTS TO FLASH LITTLE LIGHTS LIKE R2D2, IT SQUEAKS, IT SINGS AND WHEN I SETTLE MYSELF DOWN ON THE HEATED SEAT IT GIVES A SATISFIED LITTLE SIGH OF CONTENTMENT AS THOUGH I WERE IT’S NEW  BEST FRIEND, WE HAVE CONSUMMATED OUR, TOTO AND MINE, NEW RELATIONSHIP. FROM SOMEWHERE BENEATH ME A LITTLE FOUNTAIN OF WATER STARTS RUN TO REMIND ME WHY I AM THERE AND TO MAKE THINGS EASIER TO, DARE I SAY, ACCOMPLISH MY GOAL. WHEN DEFECATION OCURES, I HATE TO MENTION THE WORD WITHOUT A MASK, A SYMPHONIC LITTLE FAN MYSTERIOUSLY  WHISKS AWAY ANY FLATULENT OLFACTORY ESSENCE HUMING A LITTLE TUNE, FOR PRIVACY, AT THE SAME TIME. JANE SAYS WHEN SHE SITS THE TOILET SINGS YANKEE  DOODLE DANDY. 
WHEN I STAND I SOMEHOW, UNREASONABLE I KNOW, I EXPECT THIS MARVEL OF TECHNOLOGY WITH ALL THIS COMPLETE APPLICATION  OF SCIENTIFIC KNOWLEDGE; WITH ALL OF IT’S APPLIED MONUMENTAL LAYING ON OF THE HANDS/SEAT TO, STICK WITH ME HERE; TO PULL UP MY PANTS; PAT ME ON THE POPO; AND SEND ME ON MY WAY. NEAR BY ON THE WALL THERE IS A CONTROL PANEL FIT TO LAUNCH A ROCKET THAT WILL WHEN PROMPTED GIVE ME A GENTLE WARM WASH AT VARIED DEGREES OF PRESSURE, WILL WASH ME FRONT OR BACK, FLUSH AUTOMATICALLY, AND WITH A WARM GENTLE BREEZE REDOLENT OF THE TROPICS EVER SO GENTLY DRY ME.
ON THE TOP OF THE BACK OF THE TOILET THERE IS A FAUCET AND A TOWEL NEAR BY, WONDERMENT. YET IN SOME RESTAURANTS AND TRAIN STATIONS AND THE LIKE THERE ARE SIMPLY HOLES IN THE FLOOR  NO COMMODE, ONE JUST SQUATS ON THE FLOOR AND WHAT? NO TOILET PAPER! THIS BEGGARS MY IMAGINATION. AH YES A STRANGER IN A STRANGE AND TRULY WONDERFUL LAND. I LOVE JAPAN!